On The Verge
by Kalexico
Summary: Tina receives a letter from Bette - how will she react? This story may contain some strong language. Disclaimer: The characters belong to Ilene Chaiken and Showtime, Shonda Rhimes and ABC. The storyline belongs to me. Tina/Bette, Addison/Erica.  T
1. The Letter

To avoid misunderstandings concerning plagiarism – I posted this story on another site under the name of 'Genner'.

_My dearest T,_

we have been friends for as long as I can remember, I don't even know how many years we spent together. People would always find us a strange item because of our differences; they were always surprised when they found out how close we are. You have always meant everything to me, you were the one constant factor in my turbulent life.

_We have been through so much together, there isn't a milestone in every person's life that we didn't go through together, every milestone was marked by the other's presence.  
You were there for me when my mom left. I don't remember very much of that, we were still little kids, but I remember your arms around me and your soothing voice._

_I was always welcome at your warm home when I was alone or when Melvin was being unreasonable. You sometimes stayed at my place for a week if your mom was being overprotective again, smothering you, not giving you any privacy._

_We went to primary school together and we both hated Dickie Jackson because he thought he meant the world. We would make fun of him, we even made a song about how silly he really was. We built camps and made plans and we promised each other we'd stay together forever and we'd always be each other's 'bestest' friend._

_We went to high school together, keeping our promise, and you told me about your first love. You also came to me when he broke your heart, for which I will never forgive him (and I hope he still feels it in his balls), but you did not ignore me during those blissful months that you were a couple (well, to you they were)._

_We did so much mischief, we lied for each other and we would always confirm one another's story. Teachers would always ask you if I had indeed been somewhere because they knew how likely it was that you knew. Or they didn't, because they knew you'd have my back._

_I told you about my feelings for women and how scared I was, but you didn't drop me. It was the greatest relief in my life. Later you told me you felt the same thing, only you were also interested in men. We went to college together, but we didn't see each other as much because of our different classes and different schedules. I remember we'd call each other all the time and it really hurt not to spend as much time together. We couldn't imagine what would have happened if one of us hadn't got into Yale. It would have been a disaster._

_Your dad died when you were 21 and I was there for you. I didn't know what it was like to have a loving and caring dad like yours, but I knew him and he was my second father, as your entire family was my second family._

_We both got our lives, but we still saw each other all the time. Sam was so jealous about you spending more time with me than with him and he made you chose between him and me. _

_You chose me, because you thought that if he gave you this ultimatum, he wasn't worth to be the one to come as the 'winner'. He didn't understand our friendship and you couldn't build a life with someone like that._

_Some months later, you met Eric and married him two years later. I was happy for you and I was honoured to give you away._

_I was pretending, Tina. I have been lying to you for years. I have been in love with you for so long and I realised what these feelings were when I was 13. I have adored you and dreamt about kissing you, later of making love to you, of us building a life together, of having a family. _

_For 17 years our hugs have been pure agony and heaven at the same time, for 17 years I have not told you how deeply and intensely I love you. I hated each and every one of your boyfriends, even Eddy. I hated them because they didn't see how lucky they were to have you, because they didn't know you as I did, didn't know your secrets like I did. I saw them taking you for granted and it almost killed me._

_I thought the jealousy inside of me would just burst out, the anger and the hopelessness gave me so many restless nights, trying to cry myself to sleep but not even managing that. The happiest day of your life, your marriage with Eric, was the blackest day of mine._

_I felt like I was losing you and I could have killed Eric for taking you away from me. Who did he think he was? He thought he had a right to love you and for a moment, I even hated you for preferring him over me. Me, who had known you for so long, who had always been there. _

_But how could I really hate you? How could I hate the woman who was dearest to me? The one that kept me alive?_

_I have breathed for you, bleeded for you. You remember my 'black period' when we were 17? You thought I had cut myself over Rachel, but I never had any feelings for her. I couldn't deal with my feelings for you and I couldn't hide my pain, so I made up that I loved her._

_I cut myself because I couldn't stand the pain of seeing you with him. I can't even write his name down now, because you loved him so much. Love that the bastard didn't even deserve.  
I couldn't do it anymore, T. I love you, I love you, I love you and I've said it so many times and you never saw how I meant it, in what way I meant it._

_That one drunken kiss when we were 20 is still my best memory after 10 years. I wasn't drunk. You were. I thought I would die when you told me it had been a mistake and you hoped it wouldn't make things awkward. It made me sick when you told me about Sam a few weeks later. Was I nobody to you? Of course I was: a friend. Your best friend, but that was it. _

_I know I should be grateful to have that part of your heart, but somehow it wasn't enough. Call me greedy, call me selfish, call me ungrateful, but I wanted more._

_I decided to end it, now. How am I expected to look on as you build the life I want with you, with him? How could I ever get over you having children with that fucking dickhead? How could I keep on pretending, keep on denying the depth of my feelings for you?_

_I passionately adored you, Tina. My life means nothing without you and I can't do it anymore, I can't live without being able to kiss you and hold you and as my girlfriend, my wife. I tried, over and over again, because I had to. But I can't live if I know I won't grow old with you, but you'll grow old with him._

_I am sorry if I hurt you by doing this, but I'm sure Eric will be there for you and he'll tell you it's not your fault and I was derailed, I was blinded by my love and there is nothing you can do about it and you should try and forget it._

_That's exactly what he'll say. I can only hope you won't forget me and the good memories we made through the years. On second thought, maybe that would be better._

__

Goodbye, T. We'll meet each other again, some day, any day. I won't ever forget you and remember that my love for you will never die, that it will live on in everything I wrote about you, in all those diaries. You will find them in a box delivered to your home. You mean everything to me. I hope you will be happy.

Love, B.


	2. Too Late?

_Disclaimer: The characters belong to Ilene Chaiken, Shonda Rhimes, ABC and Showtime, the storyline is mine. _

CHAPTER 2: TOO LATE?

She knew her friend. She knew what it all meant. She realized. For a split second, her world collapsed. Everything around her seemed to go into non-existence. Her brain didn't function, everything disappeared. She couldn't breathe. Her hands were shaking as the letter fell out of her hands and her intestines seemed to fall with it. She was empty inside. Back against the wall and through her knees, her world didn't exist anymore, nothing was as it had been before. A life without Bette was no life. She didn't feel the tears spilling over her cheeks.

But Tina had never been one to falter for long. As soon as realization hit her, she got up and ran to the kitchen. Maybe it wasn't over yet. Maybe it wasn't too late. She thought she would explode when she didn't find the keys in the drawer. The sun peeking through the window reflected something, drawing her attention momentarily. She breathed a sigh of relief - she grabbed the keys. She slammed the front door, not bothering to look it. In her haste, she found it almost impossible to start the car. When she finally managed, she drove in a haze. She had forgotten all the traffic rules, speed limits. She ignored the red lights, the honks, the yelling. She had to get there, she had to get there soon. She didn't hear the radio.

When she finally arrived, she left her car sideways on the driveway. She jumped out, not pulling out the key, not closing her door. The key of Bette's front door was burning in her hand, she fiddled with it, almost crying of frustration. She opened the door, left it open, ran around in search of her best friend. She scanned the room quickly and went through to the staircase, the bedroom, the bathroom.

There she was. Seemingly cold, transpiring, shaking. A bottle in one hand, a handful of pills in the other. She didn't notice her visitor at first. She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself and at the same time wondering what for. It would all be over soon. Finally, she would act on what had got her through all these agonizing years. _It is possible to die._

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Tina hissed angrily at her best friend.

Bette looked up, bewildered. Panic was evident in her eyes, followed by confusion. She opened her mouth to say something, but her brains were still trying to figure out what. She was in the same state of shock her friend had been in when she found the letter. Tina, being over this shock already and being reigned by anger, stepped forwards. She forced Bette to open her hand and swept away the pills. She took a strike at the bottle – it smashed, fluid spilling on the floor. It reeked of alcohol.

Tina was fuming, her face burning. She had no control over her body. She slapped Bette on the arm, then on her cheek.

"What the fucking hell do you fucking think you're fucking doing?" Her voice echoed.

Bette seemed to regain consciousness and winced as she saw that Tina was about to hit her again. She thought it would be wiser not to point out that Tina always said how Bette cursed too much.

The blonde pushed her friend against the wall. "How could you do this to me?" she exclaimed. She was breathing heavily as she tried to wipe away the tears. Another slap.

"Tina! You're hurting me." Bette rubbed her arm and her cheek.

"I'm hurting you? I'm _hurting _you? I cannot fucking believe this! The audacity! How do you think it felt to me, reading that letter? How the freaking hell do you think I fucking felt? You are my best friend, Bette, how the hell could I be glad to get rid of you! There is no such thing as getting rid of you!" Tina spat. "You said it yourself, we've been friends since forever, how could you think for one freaking minute that I would _want _to live in a world without you in it! How did it even enter your mind?"

Bette flinched as Tina reached out to her, but this time, the blonde enveloped her arms around the brunette, hugging her tightly. The blonde was sobbing, almost choking Bette. They stood there for a while, Tina crying, Bette stroking her back and speaking what she hoped would be soothing words. Bette was still trying to get her head around what was happening here.

One minute she's standing there, looking at herself in the mirror, feeling disgusted. About to end everything and finally, for the first time in her adult life, find peace. Sleep endlessly. She was about to lift her hand and then there she is. At first, she thought it was a mirage, a figment of her imagination. Her instincts trying to stop her. The human will to survive.

But the voice was unmistakingly Tina's, the anger evident. And the outburst, the hitting, the crying was all very much there. She had never seen Tina this angry. Bette's mind had slowed down, slowly retrieving itself from the world. Her vision had become blurred, the sounds far away, her own voice seemingly trying to enter through a thick fog from another world. It took her a while to realize how Tina had ended up here.

"You read the letter," Bette mumbled. She didn't understand. It wasn't supposed to arrive until the next day. Had they made a mistake at the post office? She could hardly contain her laughter. Of course. It had been Susie, Susie Callough who had had a crush on her since the first time she entered the building. She always sent Bette's letters with priority. Bette rarely sent letters, Susie rarely saw Bette. She wanted to make sure Bette would notice her. Susie always did this. Such a serious event, stopped by a mistake from… Susie. Unbelievable.

Then the fury crept up. She had explicitly told Susie she wanted the letter to arrive on Thursday. She had said it was of vital importance that the letter arrived then and only then.

Tina held Bette at arm's length. The blonde's eyes were swollen, her face was red and wet. Her hair dishevelled. Bette had never seen her in such a state.

"You… how… Bette…" Tina whispered. Her heart was still aching, as if it didn't realize that she had been just in time to prevent her worst nightmare from happening. Her chest, her lungs, her legs, her head, it all hurt. "I thought I'd die, Bette."

They were sitting down on the couch, each holding a mug of steaming coffee. They had been silent since the bathroom. After a while, Bette had pulled herself away, taking Tina's hand. She had led her to the kitchen, where she busied herself making coffee. Tina was staring at her blankly, following her every move with her eyes.

They both took a sip. Tina scraped her throat. "I don't understand, Bette. I don't understand that you want to die."

Bette chuckled bitterly. "That's the part nobody understands, Tina. I didn't want to die."

"But then why did you… why the pills and the booze and the letters and the delivery and…"

"I didn't want to die," Bette repeated softly. She looked up, right into Tina's eyes, gazing at her. Those chocolate brown orbs, usually so full of life, were scarily empty. "I just don't want to live anymore."

"Why did you never tell me?"

"How could I? There was never the right moment and it was always too late. I didn't want to ruin your happiness."

"And how is this not ruining my happiness? How is it possible that after all these years you still don't understand how important you are to me? I know you Bette. I know you're insecure and don't value yourself as much as you should, but this… You are the most important person in my life."

"What about Eric?" Bette asked in a small voice.

It was now Tina's turn to chuckle bitterly. "Don't you remember how I told you about the fights we used to have about you? Didn't that tell you something? I would never give you up for a man and I never have. So how could you give up on me so easily?"

"I didn't give up on you, I gave up on me. I just couldn't do it anymore, T."

"For how long have you been planning to do this?"

"A while," Bette said dismissively, gazing out of the window. "It hit me hard when you said you wanted kids with Eric. It's as if all this time, I didn't realize we were really not going to happen. Of course I've always known, but that talk about children made it so real. It hasn't ever been this real. It was such a struggle sharing you with boyfriends and now Eric. How would there be a place left for me in your life with a baby on the way? I couldn't stand the idea of him being so close to you. I know he already is, but I kind of was able to delude myself to believe that we shared something so special… and now he would take my place. I'm so sorry, T. You've no idea how embarrassed I am right now."

Tina shook her head. "Why? After all these years, why are you still so insecure about our friendship? You know I would drop anything and everything to make you the happiest person on Earth."

"Except you can't. I know you try and you're a wonderful friend, but I just can't help loving you."

"You know you mean the world to me, Bette. How was I supposed to live without you? I… I simply can't imagine it. How was I supposed to raise a child without an auntie Bette to help me? Without you to lean on and get me through? Eric is a good man, but he wouldn't understand the way you would. How was I supposed to not share my pregnancy with you? How would you feel if I decided to kill myself rather than talk to you about how I actually felt?"

"But you don't love me, not in that way. I couldn't tell you and I couldn't live with the secret any longer either."

"Is there anyone who knew about it?"

"Addison was on to me the minute she met you. She saw the way I looked at you and she just knew. But it doesn't matter. There's no point. I wish you hadn't walked in. How am I supposed to live now, with you knowing how I love you? It was bad enough as it was and now you know and it's not reciprocated and…"

"Whoever the hell said so?"

_Yes, that _is _Addison from Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice._


	3. You Know Me Better

_Hi -_

sorry for taking such a long time for updating! Although this isn't too bad considering the rate I've been going at lately  
So, another chapter to this story. I am forming plans in my head for a new story, but I won't begin it until I'm well on the way with this one. I'm seriously doubting whether I should even consider updating one of my 'old' stories. If there's a story you want to continue, let me know here, via pm or via e-mail. Otherwise I'll just leave them the way they are.  
Eternal coolness to whoever finds the link between the title and the story =)

_**thetamarine **__– sorry for keeping you hanging in there! I hope you enjoy this chapter._

_Also a big thanks to all those who follow this story & favorited it._

CHAPTER 3: YOU KNOW ME BETTER

The tension was tangible. At the exact moment the silence would have become awkward, two different ringtunes filled the air. Both women felt like they were being pulled out of a surreal world, forced to go back to the real one.

Bette was somehow glad, she wasn't sure she wanted to know what Tina had meant. She didn't want to get her hopes dashed. It was excruciating, this must have been the first time they didn't understand each other. Or did she refuse to understand? It was hard being in love with Tina and pining away as Tina lived a happy, heterosexual life. It would be even harder being in love with Tina, knowing her feelings were reciprocated, but still not being able to be together because Tina was married. Bette was sure Tina wouldn't leave Eric. She had married him and if one thing, Tina was a very committed person. A promise had always been a promise. Why would that change now?

The interference was also a relief to Tina, in a way. She had seen the look on Bette's face, that very intense look of sudden hope, the kind of hope you can't live without. What if she couldn't give Bette what she wanted? She wasn't sure how a confession would change things.

They smiled apologetically at each other and Tina grabbed her phone. Bette had left hers in the kitchen and went to fetch it. They could almost feel the separation physically.

Tina hadn't bothered to look at the caller ID. She immediately recognised the worried, slightly shaking voice and didn't know whether to smile or groan.

"Babe – where are you? Are you?" he panicked.

"I'm at Bette's," Tina said quietly. She hoped Eric would have the sense not to complain about their close friendship, not now. He hardly ever did as he had grown used it, but he could still have this moments and he happened to have them when they were least wanted.

"Did she… you know… I mean, from the letter it seemed like she…" Eric couldn't seem to say the words. She heard him swallow and her expression softened. Maybe she was too harsh on him sometimes.

Tina sighed and rested her forehead on her hand. "I was just in time. I still can't really believe it either. I honestly had no idea how she felt, so it naturally came as a huge shock. But how do you know?"

"The letter was lying on the floor and I was curious. I mean, how often do people actually write letters with pen and paper these days? And then I read it and I looked at the clock and I figured you'd normally be at home by now so you must have driven to her place. I'm glad you weren't too late, babe."

Tina flinched at the term of endearment, but knew not to say anything. She hated it, but now was not the time. "Me too." There was a long silence. "Did you guess how she felt? I know I tend to be blind for these kinds of things."

Eric hesitated. "I wasn't really sure. I mean, it does make sense once you know it. She did give you strange looks sometimes and she always managed to not spend time just the three of us, but I thought that was because it's not really that much fun hanging out with a couple all the time. I mean, she's also practically married to that singer, you know, the one she's been fancying for ages…"

Silence again. Tina tried not to connect this with the fact that there seemed to be more and more silences between them lately. All they'd been talking about was babies, the practicalities of it, how they wanted one. Sometimes, when they were being intimate, Tina felt like she was nothing more than a machine that would produce a baby. She tried to focus on the conversation again. These were all issues to be addressed later.

"So, uhm, what are you going to do now? Is she okay? I mean, you're not at the hospital so I guess she must be, but you know… is she?"

Eric was a confident, strong man. He never rambled. He was definitely rambling now. His reaction was nothing like the one she had expected. She had somehow thought he would be more dismissive of it as he had always thought Bette to be a distant person and didn't like her very much.

"Yeah, she wanted to blend alcohol and pills but I got here just before she got the chance. Luckily, I have the key to her home. I don't think she's okay mentally, obviously. I mean, I just… we talked and I don't think she'd try again, but I don't feel comfortable leaving her to be on her own."

"Can't you call Alice or Shane to come over? Stay the night with her?" Old Eric was back. How could he not see, after all those years of witnessing it, how close Bette and Tina were and how important they were to one another?

"I don't think either Alice or Shane are what she needs right now. I think she needs to be with me for now. I mean, we've always been best friends. I think I have to be there for her, support her. She needs to feel safe and this is the way it's always been between us when things got heavy. We lean on each other."

"I understand, but she's in love with you. That changes things."

"It doesn't, not a bit. Not to me."

Eric for once knew when not to argue. "Well, okay, if you say so. So when do you reckon you'll be home?"

"I don't know for how long I'll be staying. I'm going to take some time off of work – I deserve after working my ass off. I'll be staying here until she gets better."

"But how are we going to work on the baby then?" Unbelievable. Fucking unbelievable.

Tina decided not to go there. "Bette is my top priority now, Eric. Could you bring over some of my stuff later? You know, just pyjamas and toiletry."

"And your laptop and scripts?"

"No, I don't think I'll be needing those. I'm going to really take time off, I don't care how many scripts I get behind. Just… can you call Aaron and tell him I won't be in for some time? Say there's a family emergency and I'm taking up my leave. It won't be a lie. Bette is my family."

"Okay. I'll see you in an hour, then." He sounded a bit defeated.

"Thanks, Eric. I believe there are some leftovers of the lasagne we had yesterday."

"Okay, thanks. See you."

As Tina hung up, she felt Bette's presence in the room. The brunette was indeed leaning against the doorframe. Her face was a mixture of sadness, weariness and longing. There was also a glow about her, though, which didn't make sense.

"Who was on the phone?" Tina asked, breaking the silence and Bette's stare with it. The brunette looked up, as if she came from another world.

"That was Addison. Erica had a great job offer here in L.A. and Addison was getting sick of Seatlle as well, so they're moving here. They were coming down this week to house hunt. The hotel double-booked their room and the other couple was actually first. They've no place to stay as the other hotels Addison knows are full – and you know how she is with hotels she doesn't know and has to spend a long time in. I told her they can stay here, of course."

"Are you sure you feel up to having the company?"

Bette shrugged and a small smiled graced her beautiful lips. "It's Addison, there's no question about it she can stay here. I told them they can stay in the guest room – this being once again proof of it being a good idea to locate the guest room far away from my own when I built this place," Bette smiled. "They're together for a few months now, but Addison has told me about Erica's passionate spurs. She tends to forget her surroundings."

"I still can't believe they're a couple," Tina smiled. "They never actually told us how it all came about. I mean, one moment Erica is with Torres and Addison sleeping around…" Tina trailed off, knowing Bette understood what she meant. They always did. They were so good at voiceless conversations they were often mistaken for a couple when they were going out.

"I'm sure we'll get the full story when they get here. They should be here soon. Who was on the phone with you?" Bette asked, the pain in her voice evident. They both knew that Bette had heard his name.

"It was Eric."

Bette tried not to flinch and cursed herself. After all these years, she still couldn't react normally. At least she had perfected the skill not to show any change in composure over the years.

Tina continued. "He had found the letter. As soon as I read it, I dropped it to come here and I hadn't though about him."

Bette looked away and a blush crept up her cheeks. "I take it he found me ridiculous."

"Not at all." They both seemed to make the same mistake of not giving Eric enough credit sometimes. "Anyway, he's coming in about an hour…"

"God, Tina, I don't want to see him now, especially not with him knowing that I've been in love with his wife for seventeen years! And are you going to just leave your car here? You love your car -" Bette was pacing the room. It actually made Tina smile to see her friend take up a habit of hers when she was anxious.

Tina interrupted her. "No, he's bringing me my stuff."

Bette turned around, confusion etched on her face. "Bringing you your stuff? What stuff? Why?"

Tina smiled and motioned for Bette to come and sit next to her. Bette did so, looking at Tina in wonder. "You did not honestly think I was just going to leave you like that?" Tina asked. "I'm not going from your side until you get better. Eric is probably calling Aaron right now, I'm taking up the tons of leave I have left and I intend to spend it with you. I'll also be staying at your house, so there's no arguing about that."

Bette didn't say anything. She was quite dumbfounded and didn't know what to feel. Of course she was glad that her best friend and the woman she loved so much would temporarily move in, so they could spend time together not worrying about life. It would be like high school again when Tina would come over at Bette's. She did panick a bit, though. She still wasn't sure how to act around Tina, how this confession would show its change in their everyday lives – especially when spent together, as was the case now. She opened her mouth and closed it again. She was staring intently at Tina, as if she was trying to figure out if there'd be a catch to this. She didn't deserve this after what she had done to her friend. She was about to voice her though when the bell rang.

Once again, it was as if they were being pulled from another world into another one. Bette stood up. "That will be Addison and Erica." The brunette now looked genuinely happy that she would meet her friend again – it had been a long time since they'd last seen each other.

Tina got up as well. As soon as the door opened, Addison and Bette shared a bear hug. They had been friends since sharing a flat in New York. After her time with Tina, this was the time of her life Bette had the fondest memory of. Addison Forbes – Montgomery was doing her internship at NYPH and Bette was at the MoMA. Bette couldn't afford an apartment of her own as she had to invest a lot in appropriate clothes, shoes and make-up. Addison was wealthy enough, but wanted to be like every other normal student. They had found each other the classic way: the newspaper. They'd been friends ever since. Addison and Tina had met each other a few times over the years, when she visited Los Angeles. This was mainly because there was no way Bette would spend two days apart from Tina.

Tina and Erica Hahn shook hands. They had never met before, Tina only knew the blonde through Addison's stories – which she mostly heard from Bette. They introduced themselves. Then Addison and Tina greeted each other, just like Bette and Erica.

Bette offered to take their luggage to the guest room. Erica ventured out to help Bette with the task at hand, leaving Tina and Addison alone.

"So, how is she really?" Addison asked as soon as Bette and Erica were out of sight. "She said she was fine, but there was something in her eyes that gave me the creeps…"

Tina smiled sadly. "I'm not sure here and now is the best time and place to tell you about what happened. I also don't think it's my place to do that. I'm sure Bette will talk to you about it tonight."

"You make it sound really bad," Addison said, the concern evident in her voice. "Have we come at a wrong time? I'm not too keen on trying out a new hotel for a week but I'm even less keen on bothering a friend…"

"No, it's a good thing you're here, actually. It'll help get her mind off things for the coming week. Her life just took a completely other turn," Tina explained.

At that moment, Bette and Erica approached the front door with the luggage. Bette turned to Tina. "Eric's here with your stuff." Without another word, she walked to the guestroom.

Addison raised her eyebrows and stopped her friend as Tina went outside. "Why is her husband here with her stuff?"

"She's staying here for a while. We don't know yet how long."

"Okay – seriously, what is going on here? I insist you tell me now because I am really worried sick about you right now."

In the mean while, Tina opened the trunk of her husband's car. She got out her things and placed them on the driveway. Eric got out of the car and walked towards his wife, clearly concerned about her. "Hi – are you sure you want to stay?"

Tina just rolled her eyes. "Yes, I'm sure. It was my idea, remember."

"I'm sorry," Eric whispered. He approached and wanted to wrap his arms around Tina, but she stopped him. Eric frowned his eyebrows.

"It's not very sensitive to display affection in front of her, Eric."

"But she's not here? And even if she were, why would it stop us from hugging and kissing like any normal husband and wife?"

"I know Bette. She's watching us right now."

"You're torturing yourself, you know," Addison sighed as she looked at Bette's painful expression. She still hadn't answered her redheaded friend's question. "Isn't it time to get over her?"

"Believe me, I tried," was the soft answer.

"If the fact that she's in love with you doesn't change your friendship, then why does it change our relationship?" Eric asked, trying to suppress his annoyance but failing miserably.

"Seriously, Eric, not now. Maybe it's better if you just go back home now."

He caved in. He settled for a peck on the cheek as a goodbye, showing that he did understand where she was coming from, but Tina knew that even this small gesture was hurting Bette. She took her things and went back inside, closing the door behind her.


	4. Scared of Yourself

CHAPTER 4: SCARED OF YOURSELF

Bette and Addison stood outside on the patio. The sky was gradually darkening, as if someone was dimming the sky slowly. The tip of the brunette's cigarette glowed. Bette was looking out over the pool, feeling Addison's scrutinizing gaze on her face. She knew that at some point, she would have to talk, explain what was happening. Bette brought the cigarette to her lips, her fingers trembling. Addison knew her friend was postponing and it was wearing her out. She had had a long flight and was worn out, but knew she wouldn't be able to catch any sleep if she was worried about Bette.

"What is going on, Bette?" the redhead finally asked. "You only ever smoke when you're beyond anxious. You're not yourself. You're silent, withdrawn, hesitant."

Bette sighed and a sad smile graced her lips. "I guess I'll have to spill then?" She nodded and took in a deep breath. "Okay. I… I wrote a letter to Tina. I told her how I feel about her, how I've felt about her for the past seventeen years."

Addison looked up in surprise. "And she didn't take it well? I would've sworn she felt the same – the way she looks at you when she thinks nobody noticed… but then why is she still here?"

Bette smiled at Addison's train of thoughts which were of course expressed out loud. It was something she carried from work to her private life. It was as if she was trying to figure out what surgery would be best to perform on a patient.

"There's a bit more to it than that. In the letter, I said goodbye to her. I just couldn't do it anymore, Addison. I couldn't deal with her starting a family with Eric. It hit me so hard that she really would never be with me. I just wanted everything to end." Tears were now silently rolling down her cheeks, her voice trembled as she continued. "I had it delivered. Told Susie that it was only to arrive on Thursday, after… after I had taken the only way out I could think of."

This last statement was said in a voice so soft that it was barely audible – barely. Addison heard her loud and clear and turned towards her in shock. She wanted to say something, anything, but couldn't find the words. Didn't know what to say. The tears in Bette's eyes were now rapidly flowing. "I… I was about to… then Tina came in. She took the pills and the booze. She hit me and she was so angry with me. Then she held me for a long time. Then we talked and just when I had told her I hated that she walked in because now she knew and it made everything harder because it wasn't reciprocated, you called and Eric called her just after her answer. She said 'Whoever the hell said so?' I don't know what she means. I think I know, but don't want to be disappointed. I couldn't take it, I can't take anymore of this pain. We haven't been able to talk about it."

Addison took Bette into her arms and held her tight as her friend was crying freely.

"I'm so sorry for interrupting that, Bette. I understand if it's not the right time to be staying at your house for a week."

"No, it's okay. You'd be there for me. Maybe it's a good thing that I won't be alone with Tina all the time. She announced she was moving in for an unlimited period of time; she doesn't feel comfortable about leaving me to myself."

Addison smiled through her tears. "She's a great friend, Bette. And you know what I think. You know what I thought since the moment we met – she's in love with you. If only you would believe me for once. I see a lot of people who are deeply in love, Bette. Why can't you believe me?"

"Then why would she have married Eric? Why has she always been with men? Why would she want me? I'm so… she's so… she's twice the woman I'll ever be. She… I mean, I don't even come near her heels. I can't give her a family – she craves a family, Addison."

"You could still have a family. You can have an insemination, or you can adopt a child. Nothing's impossible. You could make her so happy."

"I don't know… wouldn't she have told me if she'd have been in love with me?"

"You haven't told her either. Why not?"

"I didn't want to ruin our friendship. I was so scared that if she knew, things would inevitably change. Maybe she'd not be comfortable hugging me anymore, and maybe she would read too much into innocent looks. I didn't think I could handle losing her as a friend. I rather had her as a friend with the certainty she'd always be there than risk losing her entirely because I can't keep my feelings inside. I'm lost without her."

"But now she knows, so you might as well have the entire conversation. Erica and I are going on an extensive shopping spree tomorrow and we'll spend a good part of the week house hunting. You need to take at least a week off. You're emotionally shaken, you have to recover from the shock you must have went through. Tina will be here to help you."

In the living room, Erica and Tina were talking. Tina was fairly sure that Bette was talking to Addison about the recent events that had changed their lives. Tina had never met Erica and didn't feel like it was her place to talk about Bette's feelings. She decided that if not Bette, Addison would probably enlighten her girlfriend as to what was going on. She also needed a break from the heavy atmosphere, so she asked Erica about the story behind their relationship.

Erica laughed as she relived the start of their relationship. "Being with Addison has changed me a lot. I used to be rather rigid, I didn't make friends easily. I was a bit… uncomfortable around most people, really. I didn't laugh or crack jokes, I took everything so seriously. Deep inside, I was just scared that people would judge me, so I didn't bulge. I didn't give in, didn't share my emotions with anyone. I put up some heavy walls and it took Addison quite some work to break them down – which is peculiar, considering I was the one who initiated it.

"You know I was with Callie. Being with Callie was great, but it turned out that I couldn't deal with her indecisiveness. The fact that she slept with Mark to confirm her feelings for me – that was too much. I had only just had my own 'epiphany' or whatever you call it and I wanted to really go for it. But then Callie slept with Mark. I went to Joe's to get drunk off my ass. After a while and a whole lot of drinks, Addison came in with the very same purpose. She had discovered Karev wasn't interested in a relationship with her and she felt very lonely. I was excited about my newfound sexuality, eager to sleep with a woman again. Addison was a bit through with men – after the mess with Eric and then things with Mark not working out only to have Karev walking out on her as well. She didn't even want Karev, not seriously, but the point was that he did not want her. It hurt her. We got really drunk and ended up in bed together. It was so good that we kept doing it. Somewhere along the way, I guess we fell in love. We both wanted to get out of Seattle – it's swarming with our exes there and we wanted a clean slate. We were sick of explaining. We tried to keep it a secret at first, but in a hospital you're bound to be exposed at some time."

Tina smiled. "You seem really happy together. Not quite the story you can tell your grandchildren, though."

Erica laughed. "No. We tell most people we had to work on an intensive case together and became close. We can't very well tell the world we were just two women looking for sex that didn't involve men."

Both women sipped from their wine. "So, what about Bette? Has she got a girlfriend?" Erica inquired, her eyebrows raised. Tina could see how Addison was besotted with this woman, but Erica wasn't her type.

"No," Tina answered carefully. "She hasn't been seeing anyone in a while."

"Oh – how come? I mean, I bet she could have anyone."

"I think she's focused on her career right now." Tina thought that Erica would understand her lie once she found out the truth. In any case, she would explain herself after Erica and Addison had talked.

They shared some small talk until Bette and Addison came back inside. Addison was a bit flustered and red spots covered her face.

"Have you been crying?" Erica asked worriedly. She turned to look at Bette, who looked very tired.

"I'm okay, baby. I'll tell you later. I don't know about you guys, but I am absolutely starving!"

"Yeah, me too," Erica admitted, still casting her girlfriend concerned looks. "Does anyone feel like having Chinese?"

The four women agreed and Bette fetched the phone. They each ordered separately, which led to a bit of a comical situation. Tina was the first to give her order.

"I'll have 17, 22 and 43 please."

Erica and Addison looked surprised. Did she order for Bette as well? And for them? But then Tina handed the phone to Bette, who ordered a dish as well. After that, Bette handed the phone over to Erica and Addison. Once they were finished, they looked at Tina, question marks almost visible in their eyes.

Tina shrugged. "I have a large stomach and I can never decide what I want."

Addison noticed how Bette looked at Tina fondly, with so much love in her eyes. How could Tina not notice this in all those years?

Bette turned the television off as she had noticed that Addison, Erica and Tina had fallen asleep. She was a bit of an insomniac herself, she had to do large efforts to fall asleep. Especially now, with the conversation she'd had with Tina still playing in her mind over and over.

She woke up her friends, who left for their room. She almost didn't have the heart to wake up Tina, but knew that the blonde would be sore if she slept in this position all night. Bette woke her up softly.

"It's time to go to bed, T," the brunette smiled. She always loved having Tina over for the night. It was a glimpse of how life could be, would it be the way Bette wanted it. Tina yawned and then flashed her Kennard smile that made Bette's knees go weak.

"Thanks for waking me up." The blonde went to Bette's bedroom to change into her nightwear. In the mean while, Bette got out a blanket and a pillow. She put both on the couch and headed for the bathroom, knocking in case Tina was in there. No reply came and Bette entered. She froze at the spot. Suddenly, what had transpired earlier that day came back in flashes. She could see herself, with the pills and the booze.

"Bette, are you okay?" a soft voice asked. She turned to find Tina in a tight tank and shorts. She smiled nervously.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm… yeah." She went inside and prepared herself for bed. She was surprised to find Tina outside waiting for her.

"I'm sorry – I thought you were ready for bed."

Tina raised an eyebrow. "I am. I was waiting for you. I haven't forgotten what happened in there today. I don't want to take any risks."

Bette blushed. "I'm sorry, T. I wish you wouldn't have to be this worried." She felt uneasy - should she hug Tina or not?

"This is not how it's going to be, Bette," Tina sighed as she wrapped her arms around Bette and hugged her tightly. "You know I love you all the same."

A tear trickled down Bette's cheek. "Thanks. Good night, T." She headed for the living room, not noticing that her blonde friend was following her. She jerked up when she heard her commanding voice. She was just about to lie down.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Well… with Addison and Erica here I couldn't very well sleep in the guest room…"

"Of course not. You're going to sleep in your own room."

"But T, this couch isn't that comfortable for you to sleep in…"

Tina rolled her eyes. "God, Bette, for such an intelligent woman you can be so damn slow. You're going to sleep in your bed and I'm going to be next to you."

Bette weakly protested, but was too tired to put up a fight. She followed Tina to her bedroom and slumped down on the bed. She still couldn't believe it.

Tina got in next to her and pulled Bette closer, spooning her and holding her. "Let it all go," she whispered in Bette's ear.

Bette couldn't stop the sobs, even though she hated them. She relaxed into Tina's arms, clinging onto her for dear life. Tina whispered soothing words until the sobs subsided and Bette fell into a deep sleep. It had been a long time since she had fallen asleep so fastly. She had never slept that good, that peacefully in her entire life.


	5. Familiar Feeling

CHAPTER 5: FAMILIAR FEELING

Bette's breath hitched in her throat as soon as the recent events caught up on her. She carefully turned around and smiled as she saw Tina's sleeping form. They had slept liked this many times before, but it was usually Bette holding Tina. The brunette couldn't deny that it was a nice change to have the roles reversed. She reached out to the blonde, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. In her sleep, Tina rubbed her cheek against Bette's hand. The brunette sighed and closed her eyes briefly, taking her hand away. Tina would never be hers.

"Mmm," Tina moaned softly in protest. She reached for Bette's hand blindly to bring it back to its rightful place. The brunette decided she couldn't take this any longer and she got out of bed. She went to the adjoining bathroom to wash up and get dressed. When she was done, she went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast.

She was surprised by the smell of fresh coffee and a very awake Erica Hahn at the kitchen table.

"Are you okay?" Bette asked. After all, it was only 5.30 am.

Erica looked up and smiled. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm not much of a sleeper, never have been. I get by with only a few hours a night, keeps me sharper. I hope you don't mind I used the coffee machine, but I need my fix in the morning."

"No, of course that's okay. You want something to eat?"

"I decided to wait for the rest of you to wake up. I didn't want to make too much noise and it was already uncomfortable enough to search the cupboards for the coffee."

"Oh – that's no problem. I've nothing to hide."

"Yeah, well, better safe than sorry," Erica smiled. Bette filled a cup of her own and sat down next to Erica.

"So, you really like Addison, don't you?" Bette asked.

"Yeah, I do. I mean, we have our differences, but so far, we've managed to overcome them. It's just… it's a bit new to me. I've never had anything this serious with a woman. But it's great, and it feels right and to me, that's all that matters."

"It's great that you're so at ease with everything. Addison really deserves someone who loves her, respects her and cares for her."

"She's great. It's the small things as well, you know? It's funny how every evening, I tell her to go to bed because she won't be able to get out in the morning, but she always dismisses me. Then she gets in at an impossible hour, but I almost have to kick her out of bed in the morning."

"Tina's exactly the same," Bette smiled, oblivious to how she suddenly seemed to glow.

"You really love her, don't you?" Erica asked softly. Her blue eyes were kind, but Bette had to look away. She felt the blood rush to her cheeks. "Addison told me last night," Erica explained.

The brunette decided to change the subject. "So, I hear you're passionate about art. I would love to show you a gallery or two this morning." Bette pretended the previous subject hadn't even been discussed. Erica understood what Bette was trying to do and decided to go with it.

"Yeah, that'd be lovely."

***

Three hours later, a blonde and a redhead entered the kitchen. Addison was scratching her head as she found her way to the table. She muttered a quick thanks as Erica handed her a cup of coffee exactly as she liked it: black.

Tina squinted her eyes against the harsh light – well, it was harsh to her. She automatically found her way around the kitchen and had gotten herself a cup before Bette had had the chance to get over the sight of morning-Tina. She'd always loved morning-Tina, looking tired yet sexy as hell in that crumbled tank and shorts. No bra, of course. Then again, she loved every Tina Kennard there was.

Erica and Bette shared their plans for that morning and the other women just nodded, only vaguely getting the idea of it. When Erica reminded her girlfriend again half an hour later, Addison immediately said: "But we have an appointment with the realtor this afternoon!"

"No problem," Bette smiled. "We'll make sure to be back by noon. What do you say, we can all go out for a light?"

"No," Tina said. "We had Chinese last night and you're eating out way too much. We're going to have a nice home-cooked meal."

"Works for me," Addison shrugged. Erica agreed and finally, Bette gave in.

***

Bette and Erica had been out for about an hour. Tina had given Eric a call to ask him to bring the boxes with Bette's diaries over. He promised to drive by after work. Addison had just checked whether all their appointments for that week still stood, not wanting to take any chances after the hotel fiasco.

They were sitting on the lounge chairs by the pool, talking about the move Addison and Erica where about to make when Addison changed the subject, seemingly out of nowhere.

"You honestly didn't know?" the redhead asked curiously.

Tina immediately knew what she was talking about. "I… no, I didn't. I mean, I knew I mean a lot to her, but then she means a lot to me as well. It's just hard to make that distinction sometimes. We've been best friends for ages."

"I think that wanting to have sex with someone would be a pretty obvious distinction," Addison remarked.

"But then I didn't know she wanted to make love to me," Tina argued.

"But still… the way she looks at you. It's hard to miss."

"I guess I was too close and ignorant to even notice. I thought she loved Rachel when we were seventeen. I thought the way she looked at Rachel was her way of looking at someone she was in love with. She didn't look at me like that."

"Why do you think she's had that enormous framed picture of Róisín Murphy for ages?"

"Because she thinks she's incredibly hot, sexual, strong, feminine – simply adores her and her music?"

"Next time you're in her room, take a closer look at that picture. She looks exactly like you in that one. She always tried to fool herself into thinking that pining away at that picture was not the same as pining away at you and your boyfriend."

Tina needed a moment. Of course, once she knew, it was obvious. Once it was pointed out to her. There seemed to be so many signs, in hindsight.

"And what about you?" Addison asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You can't fool me, Tina. I see the way you look at her. You're crazy about her!"

"It doesn't really matter now. You have to promise not to tell her anything, but yes, I do share her feelings. I just think that she needs to get better first. She needs to see a therapist, she needs to deal with all these issues she has before she can even start a relationship. I want to be there as her friend."

"And you also don't want to leave the safety and security your husband provides?"

Tina was shocked by Addison's forwardness. She had always been pretty sharp, but never this upfront. She shook her head. "No, it's not that. It's just… I mean, I feel that way for her, but it's not the way I lead my life. I tried to bury the feelings but found myself unable, so I settled for Eric. He treats me right, he's a good man and he loves me. I know that now everything has changed with Bette confessing her feelings in that twisted way of hers, but I'm not sure whether I'm ready to change my life just like that. I've grown accustomed to it. I need the steadiness right now to be able to support her. I may not live with my husband right now, but he's still my husband and the idea that I have this marriage gives me a secure, stable feeling."

"You don't think Bette can offer you a life that is secure and safe, but also enticing and thrilling? She would give you the world if she could – I don't think you realise just how much she adores you. She would be so good for you. Imagine you would be forced to be away from Bette for two weeks. How would that feel?"

"Awful – the thought of her wanting to end her life – the thought of her not being here – God it nearly killed me. I couldn't live without her, I wouldn't be able to breathe without her."

"And two weeks without Eric? Doesn't even seem to bother you very much as you are now basically without him for quite some time."

"It's different, there's no comparing. Look, Addison, I know that things have changed. Not only because of… everything with Bette. Our marriage has been going through a rough patch for quite some time now and I don't see how we're going to figure this out, if we even want to go on – if I want to go on. That's why I don't want to confess my feelings to Bette yet. I nearly did, but I decided it was better not to for the reasons I explained earlier. She needs to be strong again, make a mental change, gain confidence before she can have a stable relationship. I can't offer her that right now, but I can offer her my friendship. In the mean while, I'll have time to figure out what the hell I'm going to do. I know something has to change, I'm just struggling with the what and how. God, I can't even believe I told you all of this – I'm so sorry, I barely even know you!"

Addison smiled. "I'm here to listen to you if you need me, Tina. In the end, we all benefit from this. Bette benefits from it cause you do, I benefit because it's good for my ego that I have someone who trusts me enough to confide in them."

"Then I'm glad I can be your personal ego-booster," Tina laughed.

"Seriously, though, Tina, if you ever need to talk…"

"It's so weird, I used to be able to talk to Bette about anything."

"You still can."

"Yeah, but to know that we've been hiding this major part of our lives for each other for such a long time…"

"It'll work out in the end."

***

Addison was in the pool when Tina decided to have a bath. She filled the tub and let the stereo play whatever cd was in there. The blonde was shocked when she heard the lyrics, realising this must have been the last song Bette had listened to before she had tried to commit suicide.

_Hopelessly drift  
In the eyes of the ghost again  
Down on my knees  
And my hands in the air again  
Pushing my face in the memory of you again  
But I never know if it's real  
Never know how I wanted to feel _

_Never quite said what I wanted to say to you  
Never quite managed the words to explain to you  
Never quite knew how to make them believable  
And now the time has gone  
Another time undone _

_Hopelessly fighting the devil  
Futility  
Feeling the moster  
Climb deeper inside of me  
Feeling him gnawing my heart away  
Hungrily  
I'll never lose this pain  
Never dream of you again_

[Lyrics from [Untitled] by The Cure]


End file.
